Peter the Elf’s report card on The Walking Tourists

Dear Santa,

Peter Elf here. Thank you for the assignment of watching over The Walking Tourists again this Christmas season. They went to a faraway land called Wichita, Kansas. As instructed by the senior elf-in-charge, I followed them to ensure they were good boys and girls.

I sneaked into their luggage and was able to spy on them during their drive from Omaha to Wichita on a nice weekend day. I may have dozed off for a while, as I do not recall crossing into the magical land of Kansas. You know, I recall that that one girl, Dorothy, lived in Kansas. I’m so glad she found her way home.

Anyway, we made it to the Land of Wichita. Our first stop was at a fun place called Nifty Nut House. OMG! There was so much candy! Wall to wall candy! There were gummi bears, sour patch worms, candy bars, and licorice. Lollipops.

I may have lapsed, as you know we elves tend to do, and indulged into a pound or five of some sweets. Next thing I know, I’m sitting in a tree. Huh? How did I get there?

Do you remember the conversation we had at the Nifty Nut House? It was like two old buddies sitting around the bar at O’Halloran’s candy bar. You don’t remember? Santa, um, I think YOU may need help. Wait, maybe it wasn’t you, but some other old jolly elf who looked like you. My head isn’t totally clear on that.

Um, moving along, I took in some art at the Wichita Art Museum. No one can say we elves are not cultured.

So, the humans were hungry. They went somewhere in Old Town. I wasn’t sure they went, as I think that Lisa girl found out I had followed them. I was hiding in her coat pocket. Then, bam! I hit some cold hard concrete. When I came to, I was sitting on top of a yellow house. Apparently, while Lisa the bad kid tried to get rid of me, some nice Wichitans found me and set me up on the yellow house. That was nice of them. In some cities, people would have just taken me to their home.

Anyway, the nice Tim guy found me and he told me I could tag along without hiding from them. I must say, the pocket in his coat was much nicer than Lisa’s coat pocket. Plus, he was so nice that he kept checking on me. Santa, I may or may not have given Lisa a few dirty looks during the day. But, can you blame me?! She tried to kill me! Me!

We went to a place called Delano. I guess in the old days (to these people, at least, eh, Santa?), cattle used to roam the streets. Ok, I guess they actually were part of the Chisholm Trail, a cattle drive from Texas to Missouri.

We stopped at a place called Hat Man Jack. Mr. Jack must be an elf, too, because he makes hats for people. I was still feeling a bit agitated, so Tim set me down on a chair to relax. The chair was made from cow horns. Cool!

Later, after a great day of touring the Land of Wichita with The Walking Tourists (and surviving Lisa’s murder attempt), we checked into the Courtyard by Marriott in Old Town, just a few blocks from the spot where Lisa tried to get rid of me. Once we got to the room, I called dibs on the bed. I grabbed the remote, relaxed in the king-sized bed and settled down to view a repeat of “Sons of Anarchy.” I’m not sure anyone on that show deserves anything but coal in their stocking, Santa.

The next morning, we checked out the holiday decorations. Man, the Christmas tree near the hotel lobby was quite comfy. I could have slept there.

After brunch with a nice boy named James, we made our way to the Sedgwick County Zoo. It was pretty nice. We saw all kinds of animals. I heard The Walking Tourists mention that their zoo in Omaha didn’t have some of the animals Wichita did.

We stopped to feed the koi fish. Man, they are some hungry garanimals! A duck kept stealing some of the fishes’ food. Bad duck!

Well Santa, I finish this report with a positive recommendation for Tim. He was a good boy and treated me well. That Lisa girl, though…She chaps my hide to be honest, Santa. I think there was intent to get rid of me on that sidewalk. However, I know this is the season for forgiveness, so…nope, too soon for me Santa. This one is your call, whether to give her something nice or a lump of coal for Christmas.

I will see you soon Santa. I am looking forward to kicking back on Christmas Day and sipping some hot chocolate with you and the other elves. Peter Elf signing off…